


Fragile Lines

by CelesteFitzgerald



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Angst, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-04 14:28:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14022270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CelesteFitzgerald/pseuds/CelesteFitzgerald
Summary: Heinz has recently discovered that he has feelings for Perry but can’t tell if Perry feels the same way. He doesn’t want to risk damaging their relationship, so he wants to be sure that Perry returns his feelings before he makes a move. Luckily, he befriends a certain panda who agrees to play along with some pretend battles and dates to see if Perry gets jealous. What could go wrong?





	1. Chapter 1

The tell-tale “thud” sounded from behind Heinz on his balcony. “Ah, Perry the Platypus, how lovely of you to show up. And by _love_ ly I mean completely, um, -ly? I didn’t really think that one through, but you _know_ what I mean!”

Perry rolled his eyes.

“Oh whatever, it doesn’t matter anyway, because you’re about to be _tied_ up!” Heinz pushed a button, and a black necktie sprung up from the ground and wrapped around Perry. “Get it, _tied_ up? It’s funny, yes? Now, behold—my Overdress-Inator!” He gestured to the large machine on his left. “Just imagine: you’re heading out for a nice day with your acquaintances, just ‘hanging out,’ but _oopsie_ —they’re all in t-shirts while you’ve shown up wearing a tuxedo. You look so stupid! They’ll all _laugh_ and _laugh_ until you go home to hide in _shame_. Now, imagine _everyone_ is overdressed. They will all be so _embarrassed_ that they won’t be able to stop me from taking over the _Tri-State Area_!”

There was, of course, the tiny detail that if everyone was overdressed, no one was overdressed, but Heinz chose to leave that part out and hope that Perry wouldn't notice. It would ruin his plan—and he was sure it would work this time.

“Now, since my Inators don’t always, you know, _work_ , I’m going to test it out, to _prove_ to you that my plan will succeed.” Heinz pointed the Inator at himself, noticing the questioning look Perry gave him. It wasn’t exactly typical for Heinz to use his Inators on himself—not intentionally, at least—but, again, Heinz had a _plan_.

He pushed the button on the Inator and within seconds he was dressed in a dark black tux. Pleased with the results, he turned to face Perry. “See? It works perfectly. I’d look so foolish if I went out like this. But, hmm, come to think of it, it actually fits me quite well, doesn’t it, Perry the Platypus?” Heinz stood up taller and straightened out his jacket collar for effect, but Perry just stared at him with his usual deadpan gaze.

Heinz slouched back down again, trying not to let his disappointment show too much. He was really hoping that seeing him dressed so fashionably would make Perry at least a little flustered, but just like the past few days there was no reaction. Recently Perry had been foiling more of Heinz’s schemes than he realized.

A few weeks earlier, Heinz had realized just how much he enjoyed it when Perry came to thwart his schemes. At first he had thought that it must be the excitement over sharing his evil plans with someone, but he did that with Vanessa all the time without getting that strange, warm feeling he got when he was with Perry. Eventually he had come to the conclusion that it was Perry himself who was having this effect on him. Once this idea had entered his mind, Heinz had become conscious of his tendency to pay attention to every one of Perry’s eye rolls, sighs, and head shakes throughout their conversations, and with each small response from Perry, Heinz was drawn in deeper. How had he been so oblivious to this before?

No matter how Heinz had managed to ignore his feelings in the past, he could no longer deny that he had a crush on Perry the Platypus—and not a small crush either. The problem was, no matter how much Heinz tried to analyze Perry’s communications, he still had no clue if there was even a _chance_ that Perry might feel the same way. Heinz desperately wanted to know if Perry reciprocated his feelings, but he didn’t want to put their current relationship (nemeses, friends?—he honestly wasn’t sure what their relationship was anymore) in jeopardy.

For the past few days, Heinz had put extra care into designing his schemes in hopes that he’d be able to get more information out of Perry. So far, he had gotten no results. As Heinz stood there in a tuxedo that even he himself thought he looked good in, he mentally recorded yet another experiment as inconclusive—not even a failure, just _inconclusive_ , which was so much worse. If Perry had at least shown some sign of distaste toward seeing him dressed so handsomely, Heinz could at least conclude that Perry most likely wasn’t interested and he could try to move on from these feelings and find someone else.

But _no_ , this was Perry the Poker-Faced-Platypus who made it so difficult for Heinz to read him despite Heinz already knowing him so well. Heinz cursed his own stubbornness, knowing another inconclusive result would only drive his hopes higher and make him push his schemes further. If this continued much longer, he’d wind up doing exactly what he was trying to avoid and outright confess his feelings, potentially resulting in the end of their time as nemeses, and Heinz’s chest hurt whenever that thought crossed his mind.

So he pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind and proceeded with the rest of his plan. “Now that I’ve proven my plan to be _foolproof_ ,” Heinz said as he turned around to spin the Overdress-Inator back toward Danville, “I will finally take over the Tri-State— _oof!_ ”

As expected, Perry had broken free from his trap and kicked Heinz in the face. Heinz took a step back in an attempt to regain his balance, but the tight fabric of the tuxedo made it difficult to move, and he wound up stumbling backward into his own self-destruct button, destroying the Inator and reverting his clothes back to normal just in time for him to finish falling onto the floor.

“Ugh, I _really_ should have realized that fighting in a tuxedo wouldn’t end well.” He looked toward Perry to find him trying to hide a smirk. Of course, _now_ Perry the Platypus decides to react. “Yes, yes, I’m glad you’re having _fun_ , Perry the Platypus. Enjoy it while you can, because you won’t have a chance to laugh at me for the next few days.”

He paused, waiting for Perry to respond…he gave up and continued anyway. “Now, I’m sure you’re asking yourself, ‘Oh no, why won’t I get to spend time with my one and only nemesis for a few days?’ Well, I’m so glad you _asked_ , Perry the Platypus. I, Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, am going to the third annual Seattle Evil Genius Expo!  Doesn’t it sound _great_ , Perry the Platypus? So much evil in one place, with no annoying semi-aquatic mammals to ruin my schemes.”

Perry just shrugged.

Heinz suppressed a frown, then continued. “Yep, it’ll sure be great to carry out all my _evil_ schemes without anyone there to stop me.” Now Heinz knew he was verging on lying. Even if OWCA didn’t end up sending Perry specifically, there was no way they would allow an Evil Genius Expo to occur without any agents present. But would it hurt Perry to look even a _little_ upset about not seeing his nemesis for a few days? Heinz sighed and brought his hands to his temples. “You _know_ , Perry the Platypus, if you’re just going to stand there and glare at me, why are you still here? My Inator was already destroyed, my scheme has been foiled.”

Perry’s eyes darted toward the open space where the Overdress-Inator used to be, then he sheepishly walked toward the edge of the balcony, saluted Heinz, and gracefully dove off the building. Heinz buried his face in his hands and groaned. That was one of the most unusual chains of events that had happened during one of his schemes. Nothing that day was going as he’d hoped. Hopefully things would start to look up while he was in Seattle, but he knew that even if Perry wasn’t at the expo with him, he wouldn’t be able to keep him out of his mind.  

 _Curse you, Perry the Platypus_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First time writing for this fandom! I'm very excited for this story, and for once in my life I've actually created an outline for the story to help keep me on track. Thank you to revenblue and Ephemeral_Enthusiast for helping me edit, and for giving me encouragement!


	2. Chapter 2

So far, the Evil Genius Expo had been a success. Heinz had managed to purchase quite a few rare pieces of equipment he could use for his Inators. Granted, he didn’t yet know _how_ he would incorporate them into his designs, but he was sure that a hydro-powered ink bubbler with a 4-way spinning attachment would come in handy eventually. At least brainstorming ideas was keeping him distracted from wondering if Perry might show up.

There were a few times throughout the day when Heinz thought he felt a pair of eyes looking at him, but every time he turned around there was no one in sight. He thought for sure that OWCA would have at least a _few_ agents on duty at the expo, but maybe he was—

Heinz spun around again. He scanned his surroundings and sighed when he saw no one but his fellow villains, and he was about to continue on when he saw a brown fedora peeking over the top of an empty table.

Finally Heinz had caught him! Now he just had to get to that fedora before it slipped away again. He wove through the crowd and skidded to a stop on the other side of the table. “Aha! I knew you’d— _oh_.”

The agent in the fedora (which Heinz now realized was a few shades too light to be Perry’s) was definitely _not_ a platypus. The panda leaning against the wall glanced up from their cell phone and blinked at Heinz a few times.

“Oh. I, um, thought you were someone else. Sorry to disturb you. I’ll, uh, just be going…now….” Heinz pointed back toward the crowd, then hurried off in that direction. _Dummkopf_ , he thought, replaying his awkward, one-sided rambling in his mind. _Of course_ it wouldn’t be Perry, why did he think Perry would have come all the way to Seattle for this? That panda probably already lived in the area; that would make much more sense than transporting agents in from out-of-state. Still, Heinz couldn’t suppress his disappointment. He wished Perry was there with him. What was the point of buying these new Inator pieces if he couldn’t share them with Perry?

He stopped walking and narrowed his eyes. _You know what? No._ He didn’t need Perry. He could still enjoy himself. Yeah, he’d make an Inator _here_ where Perry couldn’t stop him. With all the evilness surrounding him at the expo, Heinz was confident he’d come up with one of his greatest schemes yet. Perry would regret missing this. 

* * *

 

Heinz tightened one last screw, then stepped back to enjoy his work. He had been lucky enough to find an empty storage room large enough for building an Inator. Unfortunately, the low lighting wasn’t ideal for building, but now that he was finished it cast an ominous atmosphere over his creation. _Perfect._ Next he just needed to write his monologue, then—

 _Oh_. Perry wouldn’t even be there to hear the monologue. Still, it wouldn’t be an evil scheme without a monologue, so Heinz wrote one anyway. He may not have rehearsed it as many times as usual, but he wanted to set his scheme in action as soon as possible.

With his monologue successfully prepared, he opened the door and rolled the Inator out into the lobby. The room was surprisingly empty; most people were still in the large exhibit hall next door. He started to move into the next room when someone stepped into the doorway to block his path.

Heinz narrowed his eyes. “ _You._ ”

The panda just shrugged at him.

 _Ooh_ , Heinz was not a fan of this particular agent. “Well, well, well. If it isn’t Per—you. You just _can’t_ stay out of my way, can you?”

The panda took a step toward him.

“Oh, I see how it is. You’re going to be _sassy_ , huh? Well then…you…I have no choice but to introduce you to my newest invention. It’s impressive, isn’t it….” He sighed. “Okay, I can’t do this. My monologue sounds so much less _evil_ if I can’t say your name in a menacing voice. Who even are you?”

The panda tilted their head to the side, rolled their eyes, then walked towards Heinz and handed him a business card.

Heinz held it up and rubbed his chin. “Peter, huh?” He filed the card away into his lab coat pocket and switched back to monologue mode. “My Inator is impressive, isn’t it, Peter the Panda? If you think it’s impressive now, just wait until—wait, what are you _doing_?”

He looked down to find Peter tapping his paw against the metal frame of the Inator. Heinz slapped his paw away. “Hands off, you’re not supposed to touch it yet! Ugh, you’re doing this in the _wrong_ order, Peter the Panda. You’re throwing me off!” When Peter looked up at him with his previously expressionless face now drawn up into a smirk, Heinz’s anger only grew.

“Oh, so you think this is _funny_ , do you? Why does everyone keep laughing at me recently? Well, not just _recently_ , but—anyway, you won’t think it’s so funny when I tell you what my Inator _does_ , Peter the Panda. You see, I’ve created the perfect invention—so perfect, in fact, that you could get in _trouble_ for destroying it. Behold—the Good-Inator!”

Peter raised his eyebrows in question.

Heinz couldn’t help but let his anger ebb slightly when he saw Peter’s interest. “What does the Good-Inator do, you ask? It’s really quite simple, Peter the Panda: it turns people good.” Heinz smiled at the incredulous look on Peter’s face. “That’s right, you heard me correctly. It’s the perfect crime, because it’s not even a crime! I’ll zap everyone at the expo with my Good-Inator, turning them good and making _me_ look more evil in comparison. Then, as the most evil person left, I’ll finally be able to take over the _Tri-State Area!_ ”

Peter held up his fists and crouched down slightly into a fighting stance.

“Oh, you’re going to fight me? Are you _sure_ you want to do that, Peter the Panda? I’m about to turn dozens of your enemies to the good side. If you try to stop me, _you’ll_ look like the bad guy.”

Peter straightened back up and scratched his head.

Heinz let out a small chuckle. Who knew fighting someone besides Perry could still be so much fun? _Look at him_ , he thought. Poor Peter the Panda was so lost and confused. Heinz had already won, and Peter _knew_ it. He could see the wheels turning in Peter’s head as he tried to find some loophole in Heinz’s scheme. But Heinz knew his plan was foolproof for once.

Then something happened. Heinz was lucky he was looking straight at Peter because the change was so small he almost missed it. Peter’s eyes widened for a split second, and the corners of his mouth inched upward. Heinz felt his smirk falter for a second, and Peter _noticed_. Peter’s mouth spread into a full smile right before he jumped.

Heinz stepped backward instinctively, but Peter wasn’t aiming for him. Peter grabbed the end of the Inator, rotating it to point directly at Heinz.  

“Ohhhh, _shoot_.” This panda was _good_. As Peter reached for the power switch, Heinz leapt at him and sent him flying back toward the wall. “Hah,” he said as he spun the Inator back toward the exhibit hall, but within seconds Peter was there and pushing back against Heinz on the Inator. “Give up, Peter the Panda. You’re no match for— _ahh!_ ”

Peter had suddenly let go of the Inator, leaving Heinz pushing it at full force with no resistance. Heinz stumbled forward, trying to regain his balance as Peter slipped behind him and kicked the backs of his knees. Heinz fell to the floor as Peter adjusted the Inator’s aim. “Wait, don’t touch that!”

But it was too late. Peter had turned on the Good-Inator, and after its three-second charge-up period, it would fire directly at Heinz. From his position on the floor, Heinz wouldn’t be able to rotate the Inator away from himself in time. He did however, have just enough time to reach for the self-destruct button. It pained him to do so, but Heinz pressed the button, destroying his precious invention right before it destroyed him.

“Well played, Peter the Panda,” Heinz said between breaths, “well played.”

Peter tipped his hat, and turned to leave.

 _On the bright side, installing self-destruct features on all of those inventions finally paid off_. “Curse you, Per—Peter the Panda!”

Sighing, Heinz stood up and brushed the remains of his Good-Inator off his clothes. All-in-all, the battle wasn’t as horrible as he was expecting. Sure, Peter the Panda was annoying and didn’t have any respect for the correct thwarting protocol, but he still seemed to care what Heinz had to say—which was more than he could say for Perry from the day before.

“Ahem.” A voice from behind Heinz startled him out of his thoughts. He turned around to face the very angry-looking woman staring him down.

“Yes?” He said with a nervous smile.

The woman’s eyes narrowed before she glanced down at his name tag. “Dr….Doofenshmirtz, is it? We need to talk.”

* * *

 

As it turned out, the villains in charge of the expo were not pleased with his Good-Inator. It wasn’t exactly the type of invention anyone in attendance at an _Evil_ Genius Expo wanted to see—which was why Heinz found himself sitting on the curb outside the convention center.

 _This isn’t fair_ , he thought as he sat with his chin resting on his hand, his mouth drawn into a pout. There was an entire day and a half left of the expo, and he wouldn’t be allowed to see any of it. As if to taunt him, the sky was beginning to look darker as a rain shower approached. Not that this was particularly surprising—he _was_ in Seattle, after all.

Heinz jumped slightly when he felt a light tap on his shoulder. “What?” he snapped as he looked over his shoulder. His eyes widened when he saw who it was.

He sat there in stunned silence as Peter the Panda took a seat beside him. “Peter the Panda, what are _you_ doing here?”

Peter casually gestured toward Heinz, then to himself.

“You got kicked out, too? Why?”

Peter looked at Heinz strangely, and pointed to the sign that read “Third-Annual Seattle Evil Genius Expo.”

“Oh. Right.” Of course a secret agent discovered at a gathering of _villains_ wouldn’t exactly be a welcome surprise. “So…you’re just going to stay here with _me_ , your…what even am I, your temporary nemesis?”

Peter tilted his head, considering it. Then he shrugged and nodded.

“You really think I’d want to spend time with my temporary _nemesis_ when I could be planning more evil schemes?”

Changing the subject, Peter lifted his paw and pointed across the street at a nearby coffee shop.

“Peter the Panda, you’re joking, right?” Heinz laughed. This panda was unbelievable. “We hate each other, why would we go get coffee together like—hey, wait wait wait, don’t leave without me!” Surprising himself, he jumped up to follow Peter toward the shop. He had to admit, there was something intriguing about Peter—and besides, it wasn’t like Heinz had any other plans.

Peter turned to smirk at Heinz when he noticed he was coming along, and Heinz scowled. “I’m only going because I’m thirsty, _not_ because of you.”

Still, it would be nice to have company.  


	3. Chapter 3

Heinz smiled as he laid out the blueprints he had selected for the day. It was nice to be back in his apartment in Danville after an…interesting couple of days. He still wasn’t entirely sure what had led him to follow Peter to that coffee shop, but it hadn’t been the most unpleasant way to spend an afternoon. It had given Heinz an opportunity to let out some of his anger about being kicked out of the expo while Peter listened attentively and gave Heinz only a few teasing smirks.

Peter must have thought it was time well spent too, since he had pointed out his phone number on the business card he had given to Heinz earlier. An odd gesture, Heinz had thought, but he had given Peter his own number nonetheless.

Even though Heinz had planned on staying in Seattle one more day, he had decided there was no point in staying when he wasn’t allowed back at the expo, so he headed home a day early. It had actually worked out nicely, since it had given him a chance to spend time with Vanessa for at least part of the weekend.

After a mildly-successful day with his daughter, Heinz had woken up bright and early the next morning to get back into his routine of Inator-building. He grabbed his tools, checked the blueprints once more, and set to work.

The few days he had spent away from Danville left him feeling refreshed and optimistic about the Perry situation. Mostly he was just excited to see his nemesis again. He hummed quietly to himself as he worked, and within a couple hours the Inator was complete. Next up: monologue.

This monologue was going to go much more smoothly than the last. “Perry the Platypus” just rolled off the tongue much better than “Peter the Panda.” Heinz easily made his final revisions before rehearsing a few times. Yes, this was much better than before. He even finished with time to spare, so he grabbed himself a snack.

Just then, Perry smashed through the front door. “Mmph, _really_ , Perry the Platypus,” Heinz said through a mouth full of food, “the front door _again?_ You need to come up with some better entrances.” He finished swallowing. “Oh, how _rude_ of me, would you like a cookie?”

Perry held up his hand to decline.

“Oh come _on_ , Perry the Platypus, what’s the point of having all these cookies if you can’t share them with someone special. And who’s more special than your nemesis?” Heinz gently shook the box of cookies in Perry’s direction. “Hmm?” 

Perry looked between Heinz and the cookies before eventually sighing and grabbing one.

Heinz couldn’t help but smile at the way Perry’s eyes scrunched up slightly as he chewed. “They’re good, right?”

Thumbs up.

“See? I’m not _always_ trying to trap you. Oh, but speaking of traps, could you just scoot a little to the right—yes, right there.” Heinz pressed a button, and a cage fell from the ceiling onto Perry.

“Now that you’re _trapped_ …” Heinz continued with his monologue as planned. Everything was going smoothly. He shared another part of his backstory and showed off his Inator—the usual.

“It’s a good scheme, isn’t it, Perry the Platypus?” he asked at the end.

Perry shrugged.

“Oh come _on_ , don’t be such a party-pooper. I worked hard on this. Well, I _guess_ it’s not as good as the one I built in Seattle—now _that_ one was _good_ , literally.”

Perry raised his eyebrows in confusion.

“What, you thought that I’d quit being evil for a few days just because _you_ weren’t there, Perry the Platypus? _No_ , I built my best Inator yet—and it would have _worked_ , too, if it wasn’t for _Peter the Panda_.”

As soon as the words left his mouth, something happened. It happened so fast that Heinz thought he might have imagined it: Perry’s eyes narrowed—a lot. But by the time Heinz’s eyes locked on Perry’s, Perry’s eyes had returned to their usual stare. Was Perry mad at him?

Heinz tried to backtrack. “Oh, Peter the Panda? He was just some other agent who was sent to the expo. You’re still my nemesis, Perry the Platypus. That was just a one-day stand-off. Anyway, as I was saying, the Inator I built that day before Peter the Panda ruined it was really _good_ —ow!”

Heinz yelled when the cage Perry had previously been trapped in landed on his foot. “ _Really_ , Perry the Platypus?” he said as he hopped up and down. “I know I already finished the scripted part of my monologue, but I had such a good pun I was going to make before you _interrupted_.”

Apparently Perry wasn’t in the mood to be patient this time. He didn’t even pause while Heinz was talking; he just launched himself at Heinz, smacking his other foot with his tail.

“Oh, _come on!_ ” Heinz cried out as he fell to the floor. But within just a few more seconds, Perry easily destroyed the Inator. “What? _Already?_ ” That was even faster than usual. Heinz rushed to squeeze in his usual “Curse you, Perry the Platypus!” before Perry could escape.

Strangely, before Perry took his usual exit off the balcony, he glanced back at Heinz, his eyes once again narrowed into a glare. Now Heinz was sure he hadn’t imagined it earlier. But before he could open his mouth to confront Perry about it, he was gone.

That felt…uncomfortable. Heinz wasn’t entirely sure what had happened. Perry hadn’t seemed upset about the expo when he had mentioned it a few days ago, but now he _was_? He couldn’t make sense of it. Whatever the reason for it, Heinz didn’t like knowing that he had made Perry upset. He only wanted to hurt Perry in the _right_ ways.

He ran his hand through his hair and tugged at the strands a bit too roughly. “How do I fix this?” he mumbled.

* * *

 

Over the next few days, Heinz chose to stick to his normal Inators without any alternative motives, and he didn’t mention anything else that happened at the expo—he wanted to play it safe. Perry seemed to be back to his usual sarcastic self, so maybe everything would be fine.

Unfortunately, “playing it safe” meant pressing pause on his extra, romantically-inclined experiments. It was a bit frustrating, but maybe if he let a few weeks pass to make sure that Perry wasn’t mad anymore, he could finally continue his plan to figure out if Perry returned his feelings. 

Friday had finally arrived, and Heinz was cleaning up the broken pieces of his latest Inator from all over his apartment (he still wasn’t quite sure how those gears had ended up in the bathroom). Vanessa would be arriving in a few hours to spend the night, but she had already made plans with friends all day Saturday. As usual, he’d have his apartment to himself for the weekend; he tried not to focus too much on it.

As luck would have it, the universe provided him with a distraction: his phone buzzed from the kitchen table. Heinz brushed off his hands and picked up his phone to read the message—then he read it again.  

Huh, apparently he _had_ read it correctly. Until now, Heinz had forgotten that he had even given Peter his number. The message was short: a coffee emoji and a question mark.

Heinz squinted at the phone. Peter _did_ remember that he wasn’t from Seattle, right? Heinz couldn’t exactly meet Peter for a quick coffee run and be home by dinner. He reminded Peter of this just to be sure.

He got a quick response. Apparently Peter wanted to meet him in Danville tomorrow afternoon. It seemed like a lot of effort for Peter to go to for some coffee—a suspicious amount of effort, in fact. But if Peter had any tricks he wanted to pull, the joke was on him. Peter had suggested that they meet in a public coffee shop; he would be trapped by societal convention.

With nothing better planned for tomorrow, Heinz accepted Peter’s offer. He received a thumbs-up message in response. Heinz had no idea why Peter would want to meet up again, but he supposed he’d find out tomorrow.

* * *

 

When Heinz arrived at the coffee shop, Peter was already waiting. “I’m _surprised_ , Peter the Panda. You didn’t strike me as the type of guy to actually show up to places on time,” Heinz said as he sat down on the opposite side of the booth.

Peter glanced to the side and shrugged. He handed Heinz a menu.

“Ugh, does this place have _servers_? Why can’t we just order at the counter? Now they’re going to expect us to give them a _tip_.”

Peter shook his paw at Heinz and pointed to himself.

“Good, you better pay for it. It wouldn’t be very _evil_ of me to do it myself.” They sat in silence for a few moments to look through the menu, then placed their orders.

“So…” Heinz began as the server left their table, “ _why_ are we here?”

Peter tilted his head.

“What, you didn’t really invite me here just to ‘hang out,’ did you?”

His eyes flicked downward for a split second before he nodded at Heinz.

Heinz narrowed his eyes. “Did OWCA put you up to this?”

With his eyes widening in genuine shock, Peter shook his head.

“Huh…okay….” Apparently they really _were_ just here to talk, not to fight. Not that Heinz had any idea what to talk about. He had been expecting Peter to take the lead in their conversation—a strange expectation to have, now that he really thought about it.

“…Nice weather, huh?”

Heinz only received a glare in response.

“Alright, alright. But you have to admit, the sun is way better than all that _rain_ from your city.” Heinz tapped his fingers on the table as he tried to think of conversation topics. “So…do you have your own nemesis? I mean, _surely_ you do, how could you be a secret agent without having a _nemesis_?”

Peter nodded.

“What’s...her?—” Peter shook his head “—his? Okay—what’s his name?”

Peter shrugged.

“You don’t _know_? How can you not know the name of your own nemesis?” Heinz laughed.

Frowning, Peter narrowed his eyes. He pulled out his phone and sent Heinz a quick text as the server dropped off their coffee.

“Professor Mystery?” Heinz read. “That’s actually what he calls himself? Hah!”

Peter cracked a small smile himself.

“So, this ‘Professor Mystery’ guy, he’s been your nemesis for a while now?”

He paused while Peter nodded.

“And he doesn’t even bother to tell you his name? He better give you some extra-detailed monologues to make up for that.”

The frown returned to Peter’s face.

“He _does_ monologue, doesn’t he?”

Peter shook his head.

Heinz’s jaw dropped. “You’re not _serious_ , are you? What kind of evil scientist does he think he is, not even explaining his inventions or backstories to his very own nemesis? He needs to go back to evil science school. You deserve better, Peter the Panda. You should have a nemesis who hates you wholeheartedly.”

The corners of Peter’s mouth turned upward into a slight smile and he gestured toward Heinz.

“What, you mean what happened at the Evil Genius Expo? Oh, that was nothing. I was just doing my job. And so were you, _unfortunately_. I’m not any more special than any other evil scientist.”

Peter sighed and took a drink from his cup. After a minute he pointed toward Heinz with his eyebrows raised.

“My nemesis? That’s Perry the Platypus.” Heinz smiled a bit, in spite of himself. “I _hate_ him. He always insists on breaking into my apartment in the most destructive ways possible, even though I gave him his own key _specifically_ to prevent that. And he always looks at me with that same stupid look.”

Nodding, Peter encouraged him to continue.

Heinz sighed. “But as far as nemeses go, he’s not that bad. He always lets me trap him, and he waits until I’ve finished with my monologue before breaking free….” Heinz trailed off as he remembered what had happened earlier that week.

Peter must have noticed the shift in Heinz’s demeanor. He set down his coffee and waited for Heinz to elaborate.

“Oh, it’s nothing.” Heinz avoided eye contact.

Peter reached across the table to pat Heinz’s hand comfortingly.

“Okay, maybe it’s not _nothing_ , but…I think I accidentally made Perry the Platypus mad a few days ago and I’m not sure why.” He traced a finger around the rim of his mug. “All I did was mention the expo—but I told him about before I left too, so it’s not like he was _surprised_ by it. I talked about the Good-Inator, and I talked about you, then suddenly he got all _weird_.”

After hearing this, Peter’s eyes widened slightly. He shook his head.

“You don’t think he’s mad?”

Peter lifted up his paws as if he was about to say something. He paused for a second, frowned, then gave up and picked up his phone.

Heinz opened the text as soon as Peter sent it.

_He doesn’t sound mad. He sounds jealous._

Heinz stared at it for a few seconds. “…Are you joking?”

Peter shook his head again and gestured to himself.

“Huh. You’re right. He didn’t start to act differently until I mentioned your name. But it was only one time! Why would he get _so_ upset that you thwarted me _once_?” Heinz could feel himself starting to get overwhelmed again.

Peter tried to wave Heinz’s worries off, but that didn’t help the situation.

“Yes, it _is_ a big deal,” Heinz snapped at him. “How could I just hurt my nemesis like that? And _yes_ , I know I’m _supposed_ to hurt my nemesis, but....” He sighed again. “It’s not that simple,” he muttered.

After a moment, Peter’s eyes widened in realization. Once he got Heinz’s attention, he pointed to his chest, right at his heart.

Heinz blushed and looked away. “W-what are you insinuating, Peter the Panda?”

Peter crossed his arms, but gave Heinz a reassuring glance.

Neither of them said anything for a minute. Heinz definitely hadn’t planned on telling Peter about his little crush, but once again Peter was too smart for his own good.

“Okay, so maybe I like Perry the Platypus a bit more than a nemesis should…maybe a _lot_ more.”

It was terrifying to admit his feelings towards Perry to someone; it made it more _real_. But it was also a bit of a relief. Keeping his emotions bottled up inside had been taking a toll on Heinz. Now he finally had someone he could vent to about this—although he supposed Perry might be upset if he knew that Heinz was talking to Peter _again_.

…Wait.

“Hold on—hold on a second. You said Perry the Platypus was _jealous_? Of you?”

Peter nodded hesitantly, probably trying to figure out where Heinz was going with this.

“If you’re right, then that means he _does_ care about me, at least a little. You see, I’ve been trying to figure out if Perry the Platypus feels the same way as I do. I don’t want to ‘make a move’ too early. And if he got mad about me having another nemesis, then maybe that means I have a chance!” After weeks of being held down, Heinz’s hopes were flying higher than ever.

“But it’s still possible that he was only _platonically_ jealous, not romantically. And I’m still not one-hundred-percent convinced of your whole ‘jealousy’ explanation.” Heinz tapped his chin in thought while Peter patiently listened to his ramblings.

An idea popped into Heinz’s head. It could potentially backfire, but it wouldn’t be one of Heinz’s ideas without that possibility. “Peter the Panda, how would you like to do me a favor?”

Peter nodded without hesitation.

“Thwart me again. In Danville this time, where Perry the Platypus can see. Then we can _really_ see if he’s jealous. And, if that goes successfully, maybe you’d be willing to help even more? If you could…go on some pretend dates with me, so I can find out for sure if he’s interested—b-but if that makes you uncomfortable we don’t—”

Peter held up a paw to cut him off. He nodded again.

“Really? I know this is a lot to ask of someone I just met, especially someone I hate as much as you.”

But Peter was insistent on helping.

Heinz let out a breath of relief. ” _Thank you_ , Peter the Panda. You’re a life-saver.”

He tipped his hat toward Heinz.

“Well, I guess we have some planning to do now, huh?”

Peter nodded and signaled the server over to order another drink, and Heinz followed suit. They could be there for a while.


End file.
